Four-leaf clover

"Once the lawn is mowed, I will begin my search again. Well... the ones that still remain even after everything gets cleaned are probably lucky, no? I might find them."

I remember being a kid, playing outside, when someone told me that four-leaf clovers were rare. If you found one, you were lucky. I've always loved the idea of being lucky; more than that, I love the feeling of being lucky. I wouldn't say I am obsessed with it, but I'm definitely someone who romanticizes the little things. I somehow convinced myself that if I ever found a four-leaf clover, life would become just a little more dramatic, a little more magical. Ever since that thought, the idea of finding one has never really left me.

I wonder if it even makes sense. I wonder if there's any point to it. What exactly am I looking for? Sometimes I think it's like the guy in Temple Run. He just keeps running and running without knowing where it's all supposed to end, until one day... boom. He dies. Sad? Pathetic? Maybe. But who am I to say?

My attachment to finding a four-leaf clover has been growing day by day. I spend at least fifteen minutes every day searching the backyard with nothing but the hope that someday I might actually find one. I think about that day a lot. How would I react? I can already picture myself running to tell aunty because she's seen me searching for one all this time. I wonder what exactly would change in my heart. Or is it even important enough to change anything at all?

Maybe it's because I feel like it'll fuel my optimism. Just imagine if I find it. The hope inside me would probably know no bounds. But then I wonder... what if I keep searching for a long, long time and never find one? Would I eventually stop looking? Or would I keep searching anyway? I keep thinking about moments that haven't even happened yet. I wonder and romanticize a four-leaf clover that may or may not ever exist for me.

They're tiny. Really tiny. Sometimes they trick you. So many times I have looked from afar and thought, "That's it." I walk closer, inspect it carefully, and it's just three little heart-shaped leaves. Somehow, that still makes me happy because I feel like I am getting better at seeing them. Maybe that's progress in its own way. What if I really do manifest one someday? Everything about this search lives in "what ifs." I wonder where I will find my four-leaf clover.

Searching has made me notice things I usually would have walked right past. The clovers fade. They grow old too. I see the bright green ones, so young, looking like they have all the life in the world. Then there are the others, weathered by the scorching sun, slowly fading, almost waiting to rest.

I notice ants walking through the grass. Some of them bit me. (Never walk barefoot.) My toe ended up swollen. I came back inside, did my errands, and every time I looked at my toe, it reminded me of the four-leaf clover.

Is there anything special about what I'm writing today? Is it metaphorical in some way? Maybe. Maybe not. But my search for the four-leaf clover isn't ending here.

I will update this when I finally find one.

or maybe when I realize what I was really looking for all along.

four-leaf clover.