Unlearning Morality: A Journey Inward

I slightly talked about my existential dread in my previous blogs, but here is a full dive. From having a "judgment" to just "existing" (you will find out later).

Where Did Our Gratitude Go?

As a society, we seem to have stopped appreciating the people around us. We don’t express gratitude for those who stay, who support, or who simply don’t make our lives harder. Instead, we focus on the negatives, on what’s missing or what went wrong. Even in situations where things could have gone horribly but didn’t, we find a way to highlight the dark parts.

We don’t appreciate the good ones enough. We don’t tell them, so they’re left questioning themselves. And sometimes, in their doubt, they overcompensate, afraid they’re being selfish or narcissistic just for caring.

At the same time, we don’t call out the bad ones either. And when that happens, they continue believing their actions are acceptable. That silence turns into fuel for ego, and eventually, they too fall into narcissism.

So we aren't really reflecting on ourselves because we never really get to appreciate and express our feelings. Neither do we call out someone when they are crossing the line nor simply thank someone for their presence.

So, what happens then? Where is the space for real, honest reflection?

Am I a Good Person or a Bad One?

For the longest time, I believed I was a good person. I wasn’t hurting anyone, or at least I thought I wasn’t. I did what I thought was right. I helped people. I cared. But then there were days when I said “No.” Days I didn’t want to show up for others. And suddenly, guilt crept in.

It's not about not knowing how to set boundaries. I do. But I also recognize parts of myself I don’t like to admit:
There are moments I am rude.
Sometimes I judge.
Sometimes I dislike people for no real reason.
And yes, sometimes hate sneaks in.

As much as I try to express those harsh feelings in a better way, they find their way back to me. I don't want to, but I can't help not liking that one person. Feeling uncomfortable when they are around. I can lie to the hundreds around me, but I can’t lie to the one in front of the mirror. I know what's in me, the good, the bad, the in-between. And that’s when the real question arises:

Where does the judgment come from?
Who decides what's good or bad?
And why do I feel so stuck between them?

Religion, and the Right to Question

For a long time, my sense of morality came from religion. It gave me clarity, comfort, and structure. More importantly, it gave me the freedom to question it. That part really mattered to me.

But over time, especially as I have grown and evolved, I have found things that don’t sit right with me. As a woman, I find some things questionable in my religion, too. And since religion gave me the freedom to question it, I am doing just that.

Now, I find myself at a strange place:
The religious beliefs that once helped me find meaning now feel uncertain.
The societal standards that surround me never really felt right to begin with.
So where do I go from here?

A Judgment Point Lost

Right now, I don’t have a clear judgment point. I don’t know what’s “right” or “wrong” anymore. I feel things, but I don't always know if I'm supposed to act on those feelings, or suppress them. What is the good thing to do, and how tf am I supposed to know the "good" thing? I don’t know if it’s okay to just feel without having an answer.

I consider myself a spiritual person. I believe in the universe that exists within us. Maybe if I look deeply enough inside, I will find a personal moral compass. But then, will that compass align with the society I live in?

Will my inner truth ever be accepted in the outer world?
And if not...what then?
Am I supposed to live in this society without really living in it?
Can anyone dive into water and come out dry?

My Small Resolution

I have come to a conclusion, not a grand, philosophical one. Just a simple one:

I don’t want to be a good person. I don’t want to be a bad person.
I just want to be a person simply living her life.

That might sound like a normal sentence. But the weight it holds for me is hard to put into words. It frees me. It lifts the pressure to perform goodness or justify flaws. It lets me simply exist. As I am.

If you are with me here, I have a question for you. What's your judgment point? Is it something you figured out fits with you, or have you never questioned it?