Ah, um... writing after a very long time. Don’t ask me why as if you were going to but this time, it’s not for you to catch up, but for me to start writing again.
One thing I’ve always felt genuinely happy about was writing.
What? Anything.
Maybe a poem, or just some random flow of thoughts like right now. And with time, I stopped. I think the emotional baggage I carry never got released because I stopped writing.
This is for me.
For me to reflect on almost one year of being in the United States.
As much as I don’t want to admit it, I have learned a lot this year and denying that would be false. I used to say back in Nepal that life would be tough here. And now that I’m here, I’ve realized I actually like living a tough life.
A tough life gives you independence. It gives you the freedom to explore and just be you.
You realize your likes and dislikes, you discover who you want in your circle, you start to get an idea of who you want to become.
And most importantly, you start loving yourself, taking care of yourself.
I’ve always wanted to grow into a better person. I’m not saying I’m the best version of myself right now, but I’m definitely striving toward it.
One thing that living on your own does is it gives you the opportunity to really look within.
You start noticing the bad in you, the parts you need to work on.
That strong, rooted sense of self you once had… you begin to see what it lacks, what you need to become better.
I’ve realized things about myself I don’t like. I’ve done things I’m not proud of. I’ve lacked tolerance and patience, not just for others, but for myself.
But here, in this moment, I begin again, committed to becoming the best version of me.
I’ve always had attachment issues and a fear of being alone.
As much as I preached the beauty of alone time, I equally craved someone’s presence, maybe a partner, friends, anyone whose validation I sought.
We grow up being told validation is bad, and yes, it is if you start living just for it.
But honestly, who doesn’t like being validated?
Being told you are loved. That you are enough. That you matter.
Some events in my life made me go head over heels just to feel validated and I’m not proud of that.
Especially with friends, I act like a girlfriend sometimes, lol.
To me, friendship is like any relationship: you talk, you work it out, you grow together, and it becomes stronger.
But hey, not everyone shares your ideology and that’s okay.
I learned that a little late.
If I’d had more tolerance and patience, maybe things would’ve turned out differently.
But again, not everyone thinks like you do.
Some people do, though. I have a friend whose ideology aligns with mine. We share the same energy and expectations from each other, and that’s healthy.
Once we start appreciating the unique and individual bonds we have with people, we’ll realize we have more people on our side than we think.
I don’t know how to say this properly, but to some extent, I think I’m a little judgy.
Not out of envy, no “OMG, I don’t like her dress” kind of stuff.
More like judging others’ life choices.
Even writing that feels wrong.
What if someone decides to go back to their ex who cheated on them?
What if someone is just a little too dramatic and chaotic for your taste?
What if a girl gives off “pick me” vibes?
I know I didn’t explain it perfectly, but what I’m trying to say is, at the end of the day, it’s their life.
And if we have a problem with it, it’s our problem, not theirs.
So why let ourselves be irritated or conflicted over it?
I’m not a saint who can flip a switch overnight, but from now on, I want to be less critical and less bothered about how others live their lives.
And finally, if something isn’t meant for you, the universe will find a way to show you.
It’s important to notice whether people add value to your life or drain the energy from you.
No grudges, just practice letting go and staying true to yourself.
Heal yourself first.
Do the things you love.
For me, it’s writing.
And I’ve taken the first step.
I hope I’ll keep going.
Random Pictures:)
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