First Steps, Social Anxiety, and Coping Mechanisms

Hey fellas, kinda tired today and couldn’t post this blog earlier. Why? You will know it in the next one, but hey, let me take you to the day before.

Hmm, so I explored the streets around the apartments all alone as if it’s something really great or cool. Yeah, it’s not, but for me, it was great, lmao. I went to the Variety Coffee nearby, all dressed well as if I was going somewhere really important. But yeah, I went in, saw people, and then the social anxiety kicked in. I was so nervous. I went straight to the counter and was like, “Can I get an espresso?” Girl, like what was I even thinking? Or more like, was I even thinking? Espresso? For real? To be honest, I had a mild idea of what an espresso was; I just wanted to try it. And when I saw it, I was like, "WTF, this is what I ordered?" And it was around 4 dollars. Bro, like for people here, 4 bucks is just 4, but for someone who has just arrived here from Nepal, you go through this whole process of converting that dollar into Nepali currency, and it’s scary.

So yeah, I didn’t even add any sugar. Like I knew nothing. Where do I go? The introverted side in me felt all awkward, and yes, I couldn’t even take like two sips of the coffee. So, I went again to the counter to order a cappuccino finally. And it was good, although I hadn’t added any sugar. But I gathered the courage to go there and just add some things that I wanted. See, I know it may sound all casual, but to just face it is difficult. Like, everything is new. You are constantly worried, “What if I do something really embarrassing?” You know you have this constant fear of being judged and a constant try to just be accepted by people here. The silence inside me was louder than the chaos outside. Uncommon but understandable. Maybe it’s the overwhelming feeling that makes you feel this way, but I believe it’s a process, and slowly I know I’m going to turn into someone who doesn’t give a fuck. I really look up to that, haha.

Apart from all the good and cool stuff, it was quite difficult for me yesterday. As someone who enjoys silence and solitude, it also scares me to heart sometimes. The silence lets the void of home inside me, making the sound of the clock scare me every time it ticks. I know this feeling is going to pass, but with it right now, it’s painful. This has been happening for about half an hour, and I tried my best to distract myself, yet not being able to, I opened the words on my laptop and started writing for you guys. When I am writing, I do not feel alone. It feels like being with the readers and talking with them, and that’s exactly what I am trying to do.

Life is not all fun and chill. I think you just trick your brain into thinking everything is fine until it gets fine. And believe me, it works, and that is my coping mechanism. Yeah, people do call it being optimistic. To some extent, I too know nothing lasts longer than an hour (sorry if your boyfriend does, that would be an exception). But yes, what I am feeling right now, by the time I go to sleep, it will be gone. Hence, this is me telling myself to not worry about things that can’t be controlled.

I just played “Main Agar Kahoon,” and my mood is already better. Yes, this was exactly what I meant.

And like I was not sure about writing this blog right now, but my sister just told me "sometimes you need to do things you don't want to" and its just so true. thank you so much. I owe you this hehe.

so see you tomorrow cuties:)

photos here