Archiving Memories, Finding Myself

 It’s August 12th (well, technically the 13th, but let’s roll with what I did on the 12th). Honestly, I didn’t do much, just one of those lazy days. My sisters were like, “What are you going to write about today?” And I did say I am dramatic enough to create content even if I just lay in bed all day. But if you’re expecting some grand drama, lower those expectations now! Today’s all about feelings, not drama.

I found myself scrolling through my archived stories, and man, it hit me hard. Seeing those old photos and videos with family and friends, glimpses of how I used to spend my alone time, it really made me realize how different things are now. It’s not like I’ve changed completely, but moving here has made me feel like an adult in a way I never did back home. 

Back then, I was a kid, surrounded by people who let me be one, throwing tantrums, being silly, not caring much about anything. My inner child felt safe. But here? Finding someone I can be vulnerable with, someone who lets me be that carefree kid, feels impossible. Now I get why people abroad quickly look for a partner, they need someone who understands their emotional side. But in that mindset, can we really find the right person to connect with?

Another thing I’ve noticed is how much I’ve changed when it comes to food. Back home, I never touched bhindi, brinjal, bitter gourd, or tama. If I didn’t like something, my mom would cook something else for me. But here, I’m eating all of it without a second thought. Not only that, I’m actually grateful for it! The thought of getting these vegetables abroad? I feel so thankful, especially knowing that some people here who came from their home don’t even have that privilege. It’s like being here makes you appreciate the smallest things you used to ignore.

I miss evening walks with my brother.

I miss waiting for my mom to come home and ask her about her day.

I miss those little disagreements with my dad.

I miss late-night chats with my cousins under the open sky.

And most of all, I miss the moon and stars.

It’s so rare to see the moon and stars here, they’re just a memory now. But on Sunday, when I was coming home late, I saw the moon for the first time since I arrived. My first thought? “This is the same moon my family sees from their sky.” It’s the only real, tangible connection we share. Sure, calls and messages help, but there’s something special about knowing we’re looking at the same moon. (Thank God Earth has only one moon, imagine doing long-distance on Jupiter with its 67 moons! You couldn’t even say, “This is the same moon they see.” Impossible!)

I get that some people might think I’ve made “going abroad” my whole personality, but you know what? This is what I wished for. Leaving home, going somewhere new, learning as I go, that’s always been the dream. Creating content, writing down my thoughts and feelings, it’s not something I started after I got here; it’s something I’ve always wanted to do. I want to build a new version of myself without caring about any limits. If you get what I’m saying, then you’re one of the few who truly matter to me. As for the rest? I don’t care, do whatever you want, no offense, of course!